Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I feel it
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.