in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
There’s no “u” in narcissist
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop