McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My current situation
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?