EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The Weeknd is back
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
October already? What’s next? November????
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.