Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The only equipped I am is ill.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.