My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend