Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
the simulation is moving too fast