Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.