I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
😩😩😩
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is