Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag