Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I have so many questions.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Just a friendly reminder!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you