This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
girls literally only want one thing..
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I just love that new Pope smell.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.