You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.