HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Breaking news:
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.