just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
File under excellent bookstore names.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”