What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
i hate you platonically
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Cashiers are always checking me out
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.