I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.