[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
This one’s “Alex”.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️