Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.