Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Ha.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.