This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.