*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want