Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Your secret is safeish with me
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.