19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.