Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”