Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
You Might Also Like
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Hey i am sexy to you now
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you