I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.