What number SPF blocks people?
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter