Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.