Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
You Might Also Like
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?