I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
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Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
😜
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to