Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Google assistant rules
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Nice try, NASA
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?