I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
❤️❤️❤️
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.