Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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You’ll be OK
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.