PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna