what’s the point then??
You Might Also Like
first you must answer his riddles
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.