wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m sure it’s fine.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus