Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.