Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others