“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*