*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
You Might Also Like
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
They also CAN sing✌️
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there