It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
The Compass
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.