I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
constantly working on myself.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.