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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
This could be us but you eatin’
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.