I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
You Might Also Like
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers