Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Same post same
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Feels like the fourth month in January
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should