Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since