The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
synchronized noseblowing
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good