goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
You Might Also Like
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.