Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.